I owe Ron Popeil my first-born child

By By Robert St. John / food columnist
Dec. 3, 2003
My wife is susceptible to lapses in judgment while watching late night television.
Over the years she has purchased Ginsu knives, Tae Bo tapes (still in the wrapper), Winsor Pilates tapes (still in the wrapper), a George Foreman Grill (still in the cabinet), a complete boxed set of country-music gospel CDs for her grandmother (her grandmother didn't own a CD player), an electric egg scrambler that scrambles an egg while still in the shell ("I was pregnant and hormonal and too busy to scramble an egg out of the shell"), and a Ronco food dehydrator that makes beef jerky and yogurt all in one.
My wife is an infomercial producer's fantasy customer, the bull's-eye in their target market.
The newest addition to her collection is the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie Oven which is currently sitting on the counter in our kitchen. It is metal and white and bigger than a bread box. Actually, it's bigger than a Toyota.
She wants to roast a chicken. When I told my wife she could have just as easily roasted a chicken in the oven that came with our house, she scoffed and said, "But this oven has a drip tray, a giblet shelf, a dual heating tray with a lid, and 12 elastic chicken ties."
She also noted that the $160 Ronco Showtime Rotisserie Oven came with a free flavor injector (a large metal needle and a plastic syringe) and a set of complementary barbecue gloves.
And that's not all!
She also paid $18 for eight Ronco kabob skewers. In return for our hard-earned money, she received 39-cents worth of metal rods. "I got the kabobs, they're extra. Just think how easy it'll be to make kabobs!" Yes, just as easy as it was to make kabobs before we spent the $18.
Meat-on-a-stick for this we needed a $160 oven the size of a small, compact car.
But wait there's more!
We watched the instructional video together. Five minutes into the tape she learned that, to roast a chicken, she was going to have to actually touch a raw chicken. "I didn't think about that. I'll just use my handy barbecue gloves."
The video had a "If you see or smell smoke" warning. This is familiar territory. Often, while my wife is cooking, I see and smell smoke. The instructional video also included, in classic Ron Popeil fashion, a five minute advertisement to purchase additional accessories for the oven.
The video spent five minutes instructing people, in a very annoying and elementary way, which parts of the oven not to touch (basically the entire oven) while it is operating. It was also peppered with such enlightening statements as: "Sometimes the edges of the food gets burned." Welcome to my world, Ron.
Cable television at 2 a.m. and a wife with an American Express card is dangerous combination.
So far the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie hasn't been used. It is as clean as it was the day it arrived. It is a big white elephant sitting on our kitchen counter. When the oven is not surrounded by two, peppy TV hawkers and an overly enthusiastic studio audience, it loses its appeal. And, of course, there's that whole having-to-touch-raw-meat issue.
Soon we will be sending the oven to the island of lost toys (the closet in the hall) with my wife's other late-night purchases. I guess I should count my blessings that she doesn't watch the 24-hour shopping channel.
Author's note: I would like my wife to know that the money I spent on the complete 46-volume edition of the Time Life Treasury of Music from the 1970s should be viewed as a smart, well thought out, practical, and much-needed purchase.
Roasted Chicken
1 (5-pound) chicken, whole
2 tablespoon light olive oil
1 tablespoon Kosher salt
1 tablespoon black pepper
1 tablespoon poultry seasoning
1⁄2 onion, small, rough chop
1⁄2 carrot, peeled and rough chopped
1 stalk celery, rough chop
Preheat oven to 320 degrees.
Thoroughly rinse and drain the chicken. Pat dry with paper towels. Rub the entire surface with olive oil. Season inside cavity and skin with the salt, pepper and poultry seasoning. Stuff vegetables into the cavity of the chicken. Truss chicken. Place in Pyrex baking dish, breast side up.
Bake one hour and 20 minutes. Remove from oven and allow chicken to rest for 20 minutes before carving. Yield: 4-6 servings.
Robert St. John is the executive chef/owner of the Purple Parrot Caf and Crescent City Grill in Hattiesburg and Meridian. He can be reached at robert@nsrg.com.