COLUMN: For preview of NFL season,
see Airplane'

By By Tony Krausz / assistant sports editor
September 11, 2004
Due to the underwhelming response to Rants &Rambles pleas for readers to vote for "Airplane" or "Dirty Dancing" for the movie to preview the NFL season in other words, none we had to choose our own movie.
It's a shame no one votes anymore.
R&R decided to use quotes from "Airplane" to name a few things to watch for during the NFL season. Mainly because of one co-worker's advice if you use "Dirty Dancing," you will actually have to watch the movie.
As always, (spork) will be substituted for any word not fit for a family newspaper, and we recognize ESPN.com's Page 2 Bill Simmons as the inspiration for previewing a season set to movie quotes.
So without further ado, here's the NFL season set to quotes from the movie Airplane.
Nervous? Yes. First time? No I've been nervous lots of times.
For NFL commission Paul Tagliableu, the league's head honcho probably still held his breath during the concert prior to Thursday's game between the Colts and Patriots. Sure the NFL had total control over the performance, but after one wardrobe malfunction, you stay on your toes.
I used to hang out at the Magumba Bar. It was a rough place. The seediest dive on the wharf, populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It was worse than Detroit.
For the Detroit Lions, it has been a long time the team from the Motor City could actually say the last line from this quote. The Lions haven't been able to say this since Barry Sanders unexpectedly retired, but they may be able to make some noise this year.
Wait a minute, I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar, you play for the Los Angeles Lakers. I'm sorry son; you must have me confused with someone else. I'm Roger Murdock. I'm the copilot.
To the Dallas Cowboys, "America's Team" is entering the season with 40something Vinny Testaverde behind center and Eddie George in the backfield. They were both nice players five years ago, but Dallas coach Bill Parcell must have them confused with somebody else if he thinks his team is better than last year's squad.
Twenty-five dollars for a cigarette is too much.
To the NFL preseason, the real players are only out there for one or two series and the rest of the game is made up of guys you've never heard of. Heck by the fourth quarter, the starting cornerback is from Moose Jaw State. Yet, fans are still charged full price to watch these farces of a game.
A hospital. What is it? It's a big building with patients in it.
For John Madden, the lovable Monday Night Football announcer as an incredible knack for pointing out the obvious in between whacks' and booms.'
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue Wow.
From the endless lines of picked the wrong week' quotes, this one goes to Ricky Williams. The talented back has apparently chosen his alternative' life style over football, quieting on his team just days before camp and sending the Dolphins into a tailspin.
You're a member of this crew can you face some unpleasant facts? No.
Sticking with the Dolphins here this goes to Dave Wannstedt, the coach had to deal with his star running back's defection and the loss of the team's top receiver. He certainly can't deal with any more unpleasant facts.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
For the San Diego Chargers, this is a franchise so lost you can just see them walking down the middle of the street asking if anybody knows how to run a NFL franchise.
Surely you can't be serious. I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
To St. Louis Rams coach Mike Martz, just because it sounds like something he would say during a press conference.
(Spork), it's a (spork) waste of time. There is no way he can land this plane Route him to Lake Michigan, at least we can avoid killing innocent people.
For Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks, he just can't seem to get the job done behind center.
Shana, they bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into. I say let them crash.
For new Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green, he had a good run with the Vikings, but he has no chance out in the desert. But anyone who goes to work for a team owned by Bill Bidwell knows what he is getting into.
When Kramer hears about this, the (spork) is going to hit the fan. (Then it did).
This goes to the Philadelphia Eagles, Terrell Owens is all happy now, but just wait until times get rough in Philly. Owens will return to form, and the Philadelphia fans won't be any kinder.
Your husband and the others are alive just unconscious. Just like Gerald Ford.
For the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, John Gruden has accumulated so many veterans that if they play a night game there is a good chance most of them will be asleep by half time of any night games this year.
Do you know what it's like to get kick in the head by an iron boot? Of course, you don't. It never happens. Sorry. That's a dumb question. Skip that.
For all the talking heads that will give predictions on who will win the Super Bowl this year. The NFL has proven it is impossible to handicap, so don't try to guess what is going to happen. Just enjoy the ride.