A citizen concerned about Mad Cow Disease
By By Robert St. John / food columnist
Jan. 21, 2004
The Honorable Ann M. Veneman
Secretary of Agriculture
United States Department of Agriculture
1400 Independence Avenue Room 200A
Washington, DC 20250
Dear Madam Secretary,
What's up with all of this talk about mad cow disease? I turn on my TV and I hear Tom Brokaw talking about mad cows. I change the channel and Peter Jennings is talking about mad cows. I change the channel again and Dan Rather is reeling off a string of West Texas metaphors, all the while talking about mad cows.
Why are cows so mad? It seems to me that they've got it pretty good. They walk around in a field eating grass all day. What's so tough about that? I think cows lead a carefree life. They don't have to worry about the things we worry about, like phone bills and taxes and the marital status of Brittney Spears.
These news reports speak of thousands of mad cows over in England. I can understand why British cows are mad, I was in England once. It's cloudy and raining all of the time. If I was a cow living in England, I would be mad, too. I think British cows are mad for three reasons: 50 percent of the Beatles are dead, Prince Charles is still catting around with his mistress and there's not a practicing orthodontist in the entire country. Great Britain is in trouble animals can sense these things, like when a tornado or a thunderstorm is coming the cows can smell it in the air and they're mad.
There's talk on the nightly news of mad cows in Canada, too. It's perfectly understandable why Canadian cows are mad. It's a country that can't make up its mind. Half of them speak French and the other half speak some crazy form of English with a lot of "ays" thrown in. Plus, it's cold up there. Cows don't like the cold.
If I were a Canadian cow, I'd be mad, too. I was in Canada back in the 1980s. Now that I think about it, all of the cows I saw on my visit looked mad, even back then. So what's the big deal? Canadian cows have been mad for years. That's not news.
These anchormen need to start talking about something else so I can watch "Wheel of Fortune" every night without worrying about the emotional state of a bunch of bovine.
American cows have nothing to be mad about. We've got it good. We have more than 100 cable TV channels, Anna Nicole Smith has her own show, and "Hee Haw" is now in re-runs.
There are two kinds of mad.
There's "crazy" mad like my Uncle Leonard, who used to run down the street wearing nothing but his Jockey shorts, a fur hat, and a pair of silver sparkly go-go boots. And then there's "angry" mad like my wife gets when I leave the toilet seat up.
Which "mad" are they talking about? By the way, my wife says that men can't get mad cow disease because we're all pigs (I must have left the toilet seat up one too many times).
In conclusion Madame Secretary, I thought I might offer a helpful hint to help keep cows from getting so mad. Why not have the USDA place a television in every cow pasture and broadcast "Hee Haw" reruns 24 hours a day. "Hee Haw" was a funny show; I think cows could relate to it (it kept my Uncle Leonard laughing).
Thank you for your time. If you are ever in or around Perry County, Mississippi, stop by and say hello. You can visit with our cows, they are all happy (must be the "Hee Haw" reruns). Maybe Uncle Leonard will be home by then. I know he would like to meet you, too.
