The prized Pulitzer once again eludes St. John

By By Robert St. John / food columnist
April 16, 2003
Robert St. John is the executive chef/owner of the Purple Parrot Caf and Crescent City Grill in Hattiesburg and Meridian. If you have any questions or comments, he can be reached at robert@nsrg.com or at (601) 264-0672.
The Pulitzer Prizes have been awarded once again, and amazingly enough, my column did not win.
In what can only be called an historic, gross oversight, this weekly column a surefire candidate to win in the feature writing category didn't even get an honorable mention.
A woman named Sonia Nazario won the feature writing category for a 30,000-word series about a teen-age boy's search for his mother. I smell a rat.
First, she got to use 30,000 words. I could solve all of the world's problems in 30,000 words. I only get 750 words. Even then, my editors cut me up like a third-grader's birthday cake.
Second, who's not gonna vote for a topic like a boy searching for his mother? Let's see how good Ms. Fancy Pants Sonia Nazario does when she has to write about eating possum or butchering lamb. Let's see if she can make an emulsified butter sauce sound interesting. Recently, I wrote a two-part, in-depth cutting-edge expose on chitlins. Did the Pulitzer committee wake up and take notice? NOOOOO!
Third, and most telling, Sonia Nazario has a "z" in her last name. I have had a theory for years: adults with a "z" in their last name get preferential treatment. Everyone knows that the z-kid's names were always called last in school. Society tries to make up for this by giving them freebies (such as Pulitzers) for the rest of their lives.
Most of the winners came from publications such as The Washington Post and The New York Times. The New York Times won seven Pulitzers this year alone. Lay off of the submissions guys; you're making the rest of us look bad.
The New York Times is like the smart geek in junior high who made a 100 on every exam and screwed up the curve for everyone else. I say we give The New York Times a collective wedgie, stuff them in a locker and pick them last in the next Pulitzer gym class.
My cookbook, "A Southern Palate," didn't win a Pulitzer, either. Has a cookbook ever won the Pulitzer? No. This is a clear case of cookbook bias and culinary discrimination. If they had taken the time, the Pulitzer committee would surely have been awed by my innovative treatment of Fried Green Tomatoes.
The winner in the non-fiction category was a book entitled "A Problem from Hell: America and the Age of Genocide." Talk about dark and serious. Haven't we got enough problems in the world without drawing attention to something as terrible as genocide?
On the other hand, my book, "A Southern Palate," is light and comical. It has recipes and short, humorous essays about stealing watermelons and raising pigs. Surely the judges on the Pulitzer committee could relate to those topics.
The winner in the history category was the book "An Army at Dawn: The War in North Africa 1942-1943." Talk about ancient history. Haven't we learned all we need to know about World War II by watching the History Channel? In my book, I talk about firing my opening-night chef. That was only 16 years ago, recent history.
Granted, firing a chef is not as hard as winning a war, but it's a tough task all the same. The Pulitzer committee needs to watch the Food Channel instead of the History Channel.
The winner in the fiction category was the book "Middlesex." This takes the cake. Slipping the word "sex" into the title of your book to shamelessly influence the Pulitzer committee should be grounds for immediate disqualification. I could have easily named my book "A Sexy Southern Palate," but I felt the book would stand on its own without the reference.
Also, there were no winners from the South. Maybe the Pulitzer committee hates grits. There is a recipe for fried andouille cheese grits in my book. Maybe it's a conspiracy against Mississippi.
If we let this conspiracy against Mississippi stand, then what's next? The Southeastern United States? How can the Pulitzer committee discriminate against an entire region? If that continues, what then? The Rust Belt? The Midwest? Billings, Mont.? The entire United States? That's where we're headed, people. The Pulitzer committee is anti-cookbook and wants to destroy the American way of life.
William Faulkner won two Pulitzers. I have a lot in common with Mr. Faulkner: He was from Mississippi, I am from Mississippi. He was a great writer, I am from Mississippi, and we both use commas.
Actually, Mr. Faulkner had no use for commas. I, on the other hand, am addicted to commas. I am a commaholic.
Maybe I'll have better luck next year. In the meantime, be on the lookout for my next book: "The Free-Sex-for-all-Pulitzer-Committee-Members Cookbook" by Robert Z. St. John.