Move over Barbara Walters, there's a new interviewer in town
By By Robert St. John / food columnist
November 3, 2004
Columnist Robert St. John: Is it true that you have written a new book?
Author Robert St. John: I thought you'd never ask. The book is called "Nobody's Poet." It's an anthology of this column. It contains over 100 of the best columns ever typed using both of my index fingers. It also contains hilarious cartoon illustrations by Marshall Ramsey. And it's available in bookstores today.
Columnist: How do you feel about a newspaper columnist who uses his or her weekly column to promote side projects?
Author: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nothing is as transparently tacky as a newspaper columnist who vainly boasts about upcoming non-newspaper-related undertakings. Many times I have read columnists who waste the newspaper's precious column inches arrogantly rambling about insignificant and inconsequential personal endeavors. Shameless self-promotion is always seen for what it is brazen, egocentric, self-absorbed and desperate.
Columnist: Well, what about this column. Aren't you being blatant and self-serving conducting an interview with yourself for the specific intent of gaining publicity for your new book project?
Author: You're the one asking the questions, bucko.
Columnist: Speaking of questions, is it true that you failed out of two colleges and spent 21 years working toward your bachelor's degree?
Author: Next question.
Columnist: Why should people spend their hard-earned money on this book?
Author: Actually, all proceeds derived from the sales of this book will go to charity.
Columnist: Which charity?
Author: The St. John Children's College Fund. Also, the boy eats a lot, and the girl has her mother's obsession for shoes.
Columnist: It has been said that your children worship the ground you walk on.
Author: That's true, as long as the ground I'm walking on is in Toys R Us.
Columnist: One reviewer wrote of "Nobody's Poet": "St. John's writing style and the style of fellow Mississippian, William Faulkner, share one major characteristic: commas. Faulkner had no use for them, St. John can't stop using them."
Author: In 1983, after realizing that I was powerless over punctuation and my writing had become unmanageable, I revealed to the world that I am a recovering commaholic. Today, I am a member of the 12-step program Commaholics Anonymous, and it has been two weeks since I have misused a comma.
Columnist: It plainly states on the back flap of your book: "St. John is a multiple Pulitzer Prize winner." Is that true?
Author: Yes. Thelma Pulitzer was the long-time judge at the annual hokey pokey competition at the Forrest County Fair in my hometown of Hattiesburg. In the 1970s I won that grueling competition three years in a row. Don't underestimate the significance of the hokey pokey. When all is said and done, "that's what it's all about." In fact, Marshall Ramsey, the aforementioned illustrator of "Nobody's Poet," is an actual Pulitzer finalist.
Columnist: In your biography, it states that you write a weekly food column for 24 Southern newspapers. Why haven't you added a 25th? Could blatant self-serving promotional tactics such as these have anything to do with that?
Author: Next question.
Columnist: Is there anything further you would like to add?
Author: I still have all four of my wisdom teeth. I'm just waiting for them to kick in any day now.
Columnist: No, about the book.
Author: Only that I am glad that I can be principled enough to resist the enormous temptation of shameless self-promotion. It's more important to retain one's journalistic integrity than to sell a few copies of "Nobody's Poet" (even if they do make excellent Christmas presents).
Columnist: Is the hokey pokey really "what's it's all about"?
Author: To find out, you'll have to buy the book.
