It dices, it slices!
By By Craig Ziemba / guest columnist
August 29, 2004
I really needed a nap last Saturday, so I turned on some golf, laid down on the couch and was out like a light. An hour later I woke up just in time to catch an infomercial for the Magic Bullet.
How much would you pay for happiness, health and a body like their testimonials? "Not $1,000, not $500, but just three easy payments of $33! Call now …"
Just another infomercial
In my still groggy state, I imagined myself in the audience at a Democratic infomercial. A celebrity spokesperson interviewed an actor dressed as an inventor in a lab coat about the liberal platform:
Anxious about Alzheimer's? Don't be! President Kerry will fully fund embryonic stem cell research so one day you'll have a baby clone of your very own growing in a lab for you to cannibalize parts from.
Lost your job? Don't worry! President Kerry will "create" jobs by ingeniously raising taxes on the rich. And with a vice presidential ambulance chaser like John Edwards, you can bet your bottom dollar there'll be tens of thousands of new jobs available in the legal industry. Trial lawyers will be suing the pants off of every businessman and doctor in sight creating billions of billable hours of work for paralegals, secretaries and psychotherapists. Happy days are here again.
Terrorists got you down? No problem! Just sprinkle a little multilateralism and a few more U.N. resolutions on the Middle East and presto, terrorists will behave! We'll be so safe under the protective umbrella of the United Nations that we'll beat our swords into plowshares and all become organic farmers. And as an added bonus, with all that tofu and soy milk, we'll also be shedding unwanted pounds and inches.
Depressed that you and your gay partner can't get married and adopt kids? Help is on the way. President Kerry will be sure to appoint Supreme Court justices who will promote anything-goes morality. No matter your fetish (homosexuality, bestiality, etc.) you'll be affirmed by the federal government and considered just as fit a parent as any heterosexually monogamous prude on the planet.
As a matter of fact, your newly recognized status as a member of a previously discriminated-against sexual minority may entitle you to special treatment and preferential hiring by companies eager to show their sensitivity and commitment to inclusion.
Not only that, it's free
Wrong! Most of you won't pay a thing! We'll actually give you money back through earned income tax credits and welfare. Only people who work hard and are successful will have to pay more taxes (and pay they will). The rest of you can sit back, relax, and let the incredible Democratic Party machine do the rest.
But wait, if you register to vote now you'll also receive this Bamboo Steamer! Operators are standing b
Craig Ziemba is a pilot who lives in Meridian. His book, "Boondoggle," is available at Meridian area Bible
Bookstores.
