Brokering baseball with Japan

By By Will Bardwell / sports writer
April 8, 2004
Dear Japan,
Let's make a deal.
Once again, Major League Baseball is safely back on American soil (and Canadian soil too, if you want to be picky) after opening regular-season play in Tokyo. It's not that we Americans don't mind sharing don't forget that giant gorilla we loaned you for "Godzilla vs. King Kong" but baseball is different. It's ours. Baseball may not be the true national pastime anymore, but you've got to understand that there's still something inherently American about Opening Day.
But I also understand this is about money. Baseball is a worldwide game these days, and I know you folks in Japan are big fans of the game. Major League Baseball first opened the regular season outside the United States in 1999, and commissioner Bud Selig seems intent on continuing that practice.
I don't like that, but I can live with it. I was awake for the 4 a.m. first pitch between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the New York Yankees last week, but most other folks were still fast asleep. Besides, the vast majority of fans didn't really consider your two-game series "real" regular-season baseball, even though the Japanese fans seemed to enjoy themselves thoroughly.
Well, Japan, you've had your fun. From here on out, it's going to cost you.
Now before you start panicking, just calm down. I'm not talking about taking regular-season baseball away from you. Even though you hosted two games, North America will still have over 2,400 Major League games this season, if my math is correct. It's not a terrible sacrifice, but nonetheless, we are parting with something very dear to us.
So we're going to need a few things in return.
First of all, put "Iron Chef" back on the air, and I mean pronto. I'm not talking about that "Iron Chef America" garbage that the Food Network pulled on me about a year ago, either. We want the real thing. Wherever Chairman Kaga is, find him. Find his old crazy outfits. Find those weird commentators. And at least once a year, we want an "Iron Chef" North American tour.
While you're at it, petition the International Olympic Committee to make "Iron Chef" an Olympic event. I know it sounds crazy, but would you believe there are people in America who call figure skating a sport? You wouldn't believe some of the things that go on over here.
But I digress. The second thing we want in return is Mount Fuji. There's no particular reason. I've just always been a big fan. Besides, where I come from, we don't have many mountains. None, to be exact. Imagine the excitement we could generate by bringing a mountain as prominent as Mount Fuji to Mississippi! The locals would be ecstatic. After all, if Bud Selig can globalize baseball, why can't we globalize mountains too?
Next, I want my own personal sushi chef and a lifetime supply of octopus and salmon. And my own personal group of ninjas. Hey, if I'm going to broker this deal, I want a little something in return. Throw in a samurai sword and some old TV episodes of "Voltron" if you want to get on my good side.
And since we're talking about TV, you've got to take back "Pokemon." We don't want any part of it anymore. On this demand, we cannot relent. I mean, what is your deal with weird cartoons? And take back that crazy cartoon on Cartoon Network with the green guy and all that magic and stuff. One time I was watching that show, and the green guy grew a new arm just by concentrating really hard. If that's your idea of cartoons, maybe we ought to be globalizing "Ren and Stimpy" instead of baseball.
Okay, sorry. That was a little harsh. I said I was sorry!
Last of all, we want Bobby Valentine back. Yeah, I'm talking about the short guy who's managing in the Japan League now. He used to manage over here and was on one of my favorite TV shows, "Baseball Tonight." Now they've replaced him with John Kruk, former first baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies and one of the most despised figures of my childhood. It's just not working out, and I don't think I can make it six more months. So please, send Valentine back.
That's it! Meet our terms, and you can have all the Devil Rays season openers that you want. I realize some of these demands are a little tougher for you to stomach than others (especially you guys taking back "Pokemon"), but we're giving up something that is very deeply attached to our country's psyche. If we have to do that, we're going to need some of your favorite things in return.
Don't like it?
We're not too crazy about it, either.