Return to the ballpark Bull Durham style
By Staff
Tony Krausz / assistant sports editor
March 28, 2003
Part one of two
With the Major League Baseball season starting on Friday with the Texas Rangers traveling to play the World Series champion Anaheim Angels, it seems like a great time to jot down a few points of interest to look forward to during the marathon season.
And in the shadow of one of this scribe's favorite writers, Bill Simmons, a columnist on ESPN.com's Page 2 (Motto: A network that is slowly taking over every media form two at a time ESPN The Magazine Squared hitting stands in April), will hit the preseason points set to quotes from arguably the greatest baseball movie ever made "Bull Durham."
Because this 108 minute flick is rated R some of the language is shall we say, "colorful," and since this is a family publication, all words not fit for print will be replaced with (spork).
Why (spork) you ask?
Because this is the ultimate utensil combining the stabbing power of the fork and the scooping elegance of a spoon, of course. Plus it is just a fun work, go ahead say it five times it will bring a smile to your face.
So without further adieu, a look into the MLB season "Bull Durham" style.
What do we need a scoreboard for? We ain't scored any runs all year?
This one goes to the Detroit Tigers.
The Motown baseball troops will be headlined by new manager Alan Trammell and coaches Kirk Gibson and Lance Parrish. While these are big names from the club's 1984 championship team, the trio would struggle to make the anemic Tigers a contender if they could still play.
Plus, the fences being moved in a Comerica Park is more likely going to help visiting clubs more than the home team.
I wouldn't dig in there if I was you, the next one might be at your head. I don't know where it's going to go I swear to God.
The brilliant line after Kevin Costner, aka Crash Davis, told Tim Robbins, aka Nuke LaLoosh, to throw the ball at the Durham Bulls' mascot is wonderful for the St. Louis Cardinals one-time prodigy Rick Ankiel.
The young man with the dazzling curve ball and Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams-esqu fastball may be in the bullpen for the big club this season. Though he will most likely be in Triple-A Memphis.
But if Ankiel gets to return to the majors, National League batters must adhere to Crash's advice. No one knows where Ankiel's pitches are going.
I'm the player to be named later.
Crash's declaration after arriving in the Durham club house would be even better if this player was still in the game, but alas, for the first time since 1978, journey-man pitcher Mike Morgan will not suit up in a major league uniform this season.
The right-handed hurler, who has played on a record, in any sport, 13 teams, will not be joining the "Boys' of summer," this year, and he will surely be missed by somebody.
He's got a million dollar arm and a five-cent head.
Lefty starter David Wells proved once again athletes should never write autobiographies, even if they don't write it themselves. The man who pitches wearing a game-worn Babe Ruth jersey under his uniform ticked off the rest of his Yankee teammates and the organization to the point where ever George Steinbrenner won't say a word to this guy.
You boys going to fight over little ol me?
From the mouth of Susan Sarandon, aka Annie Savoy, to Crash and Nuke in the bar to Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Guillermo Mota.
The L.A. hurler has unified the New York Mets in a way better than any weekend, trust-building seminar ever could, as every Met has threatened the team will get revenge for Mota beaming New York catcher Mike Piazza in a spring training game.
I believe in the soul, the (spork), the (spork), the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Songtag are self-indulgent, over-rated (spork). I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, (spork), opening your presents on Christmas Day rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft kisses that last three days.
– Oh, my
For Ken Griffey Jr., who has fallen off the baseball map after returning to his boyhood home of Cincinnati thanks to injury. The outfielder at one time was a symbol for every thing good in baseball, but he has become disillusioned and bitter, as the injuries and insults have piled up.
Griffey had a torrid spring, and here's hoping he returns to All-Star form this year. Because he was a wonder to watch at the plate and in the field when he played for the Mariners.
– What's our record, Larry?
-8-16
– Eight and 16, How did we win eight .
– It's a miracle
– It'ssssss a mir-a-cle.
For the Milwaukee Brewers and the Kansas City Royals. If either of these two abysmal teams, which let's face it were eliminated from World Series contention when the pitchers and catchers reported, get to eight games, the two clubs respected managers have got to say this.
– This is a simple game. You throw the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball. You got it!
New Tampa Bay Devil Rays skipper Lou Piniella may want to tap this to his forehead so all of his new players can just read it, so he can save his voice. The wacky hat kicking, base throwing manager has already performed one solid rant in the dug out in spring training. Let's just wait until mid-July when the Devil Rays have lost 50 straight and the Florida humidity really gets to this guy.
Part two coming on Saturday.
