Happy 75th Mr. Twinkie, see you in bankruptcy court

By By Robert St.John / food columnist
September 29, 2004
The Twinkie snack cake turns 75 next year. To celebrate its upcoming diamond anniversary, the Twinkie parent company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
This harmless little crme-filled confection made it 74 years until the Atkins diet that evil method of slow torture by mind-numbing amounts of protein sent it into bankruptcy court. First Enron, then WorldCom, now Twinkie.
I believe that there's more to this dilemma than meets the eye. It's not only the Atkins diet that has caused a downturn in Twinkie sales; it's the corruption of the product. Carnival workers are frying Twinkies, for heaven's sake. How can your brand survive if people are dipping your product into lard and changing its original culinary intent?
When I heard the tragic news of the impending bankruptcy, I immediately did what any competent investigative journalist would do when researching a story of this magnitude and went to the company Web site (who needs to bother with interviewing people?). After a few minutes on the Twinkie Web site, I forgot all about the bankruptcy angle of the column and became totally submerged in overly biased company propaganda.
Did you know that the Hostess Bakery can produce up to 1,000 Twinkies per minute? Now you do, and you'll sleep better for it.
I learned that it takes more than 500,000 hens to lay the 160 million Grade A large eggs used to make Twinkies each year. This fact was disturbing. What are all of those chickens going to do now that the Twinkie company has filed bankruptcy? Half a million out-of-work chickens on the government's welfare roles could wreck our already unstable economy. Quick, someone call Col. Sanders.
Americans eat more than 500 million Twinkies each year until the Dr. Atkins and his sinister carb-depriving diet came along and put a dent in our collective Twinkie consumption.
Did you know that the Twinkie was chosen by President Clinton to be placed in the White House millennium time capsule? That was mainly because Bill liked a good Twinkie now and then and it was the only foodstuff that had enough preservatives in it to last 1,000 years in a time capsule. According to the Web site, Clinton called the Twinkie, "An object of enduring American symbolism."
Possibly the most amazing item that I discovered while on my Woodward-like journey was the Shelbyville, Ind., man named Lewis Browning who claims to have eaten more than 22,000 Twinkies in his lifetime. Browning, a retired milk truck driver, has eaten at least one Twinkie each day for the last 61 years, proving, as I have always suspected, there is nothing to eat in Indiana.
Lewis Browning is 86 years old. This is why the Twinkie company is filing bankruptcy. He's not eating as many Twinkies as he used to. Step it up, man! Bite the bullet. Take one for the home team and eat more snack cakes.
According to reports from the Hostess company press room, the grocery stores in Shelbyville couldn't always keep up with Browning's Twinkie habit. "Sometimes he travels 20 miles to Indianapolis to maintain his Twinkie stash." Proving, as I have always suspected, that if one lives in a state with no real food identity, it doesn't matter how far one drives, the food's still no good.
Browning, who has now consumed enough preservatives to live until the ripe old age of 227, said, "Nobody likes Twinkies like I do." Mr. Browning, it is a claim I will gladly concede.
Growing up I didn't eat Twinkies. I was partial to Zingers made by the Dolly Madison Company (a division of the Twinkie parent company). Being of the patriotic sort, I always admired James Madison, our fourth president and champion of the Bill of Rights, for marrying a lady who knew how to cook snack cakes.
With the Twinkie bankruptcy pending, I wonder if Congress will call for a change to the seldom used Third Amendment to the U. S. Constitution: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, and without an ample supply of Twinkies, cupcakes, Ding Dongs, fruit pies and Ho Hos.
Robert St. John is an author, chef,restaurateur and world-class eater. He is the author of "A Southern Palate," "Deep South Staples" and the upcoming book "Nobody's Poet." He can be reached at www.nsrg.com or www.robertstjohn.com.