Column: Doormats of SEC line up for battle

By By Tony Krausz/assistant sports editor
October 4, 2003
If only Howard Cossell was still around.
It would be great if the legendary, or infamous depending on who you ask, sportscaster could do the pregame introduction for today's football game between Vanderbilt and Mississippi State.
Maybe Woody Allen had it right in Bananas' when he said Cossell's broadcasts were used to torture criminals of the 20th century, but one thing is certain about the crusty mic-jockey, he didn't mince words.
Can't you just here the introduction?
Go ahead read the last two paragraphs in your best Cossell impression, it might be the only fun you have all year if you are a fan of either of these two programs.
Doormat may be too kind. When most teams line up against the Bulldogs or the Commodores the field has turned into a 100-yard parade route to victory.
Today's game in Starkville doesn't just pit two bad teams in the SEC against each other on the football field, it is being played by the worst teams in the conference and possibly the nation.
Vanderbilt has long been the hands-down worst team in the conference. The Commodores sport a 106-323-18 all-time SEC record, and they haven't defeated an SEC foe in their last 18 tries.
After posting a 33-15 mark from 1997-2000, MSU has started to make a run at Vanderbilt to steal the title of most abysmal.
The Bulldogs have lost their last nine games; they are embroiled in their worst losing streak in the last 15 years; and their last SEC win came in the second to last game of the 2001 season, which was the first of back-to-back three-win campaigns.
Which leads to the obvious question, which team has more to lose this afternoon?
Neither team really has anything to gain, aside from a paltry mark in the win column that is going to more bare than the littlest bear's porridge bowl in Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
Sure a win means the Commodores' streak of conference losses comes to an end, but it certainly won't stop people questioning the program's place in the ultra-competitive SEC.
Win or lose, the most intriguing thing about Vanderbilt will remain the dissolving of the school's athletic department and coach Bobby Johnson's ban on cursing.
The only thing a win does for MSU is keep reporters from asking Jackie Sherrill if he thinks he is going to get fired for the duration of the postgame press conference.
A loss on the other hand would bring the flimsy card house of the Bulldogs tumbling down. Being bad is one thing, losing to the worst team is a whole different story.
If the Bulldogs lose to the Commodores, the program may as well close down for the rest of the year and restart in 2004.
Sherrill won't just be pestered about his job status, everyone associated with the university will be asked from the athletic director to university president to the ticket tacker at gate seven.
The players will be hounded about the team's ineptness until they crack, and "Bully" will be looking for real estate to build a new dog house, we here Arkansas is lovely in the spring.
A loss for the Commodores will spawn a festering belief that the team let its one possible conference win slip away.
Vanderbilt's last win against a conference foe came against Kentucky three years ago, and that was before Jared Lorenzen's backside became talked about almost as much as the other J-Lo's backside.
The scoreboard will proclaim a winner at the end of this afternoon's game, but it will be the loser that everyone talks about for the rest of the season.