Promotions you will never see

By By Tony Krausz/assistant sports editor
April 24, 2004
With the baseball season a few weeks old, we here at the Rants &Rambles offices have let our minds drift up to the front offices of Major League clubs with ideas for game-day promotions that will most likely never happen.
Free give always at the gates are practically an institution for professional franchises, whether it be bobble-head figures, the beanie baby craze of the late 90s, hat days or those stupid little duck things with an athlete's head on it.
No matter what it is, people just like to get things for free, and the promotions just give that extra incentive to show up to the games.
Minor league baseball clubs have taken promo nights to new heights over the years having everything from cork night after the Cubs' Sammy Sosa walked up to the plate with a corked bat to nobody come night in which one minor league club locked its doors and didn't let anybody in the stadium until the fifth inning to set the lowest attendance record for a game ever.
Sure the minor league promotions are a bit crazy at times, but the clubs certainly seem to have fun with them.
Major League Baseball has its promotions, but they just don't seem to have as much fun, so we here at R&R decided to offer a few promotional ideas that are sure to raise a few eyebrows and invoke some chuckles.
The New York Yankees should always have any home game against the Baltimore Orioles be glove night.
But instead of the standard first 10,000 or 15,000 fans receiving the gloves, the freebies should be handed out to people sitting in the first row behind the outfield walls.
The gloves should also come with a free Jeffery Maier mask to bring back the memories of the young whipper-snapper reaching over the wall to snag a Derek Jeter home-run ball in Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS playoff series over the head of Baltimore outfielder Tony Tarasco.
The Milwaukee Brewers should start making plans to have at least one bat day when the Pirates roll into town this year.
But these shouldn't be just your normal every day bats, the free sticks should have a picture of a sausage taking a cut at Pittsburgh first baseman Randall Simon.
What a great way to remember sausage-gate, when Simon took a playful swing but ended up whacking one of the sausage race participants with a bat knocking down the racer last season.
Every team should seriously look into releasing a flock of doves right before Arizona Diamondback ace Randy Johnson throws out his first pitch.
Johnson is just dominating, but after he blew up a dove with a fastball in a split-squad game against San Francisco on March 24, 2001, you have to think a flock of doves may knock him off his game for a couple of innings.
The St. Louis Cardinals should hold free bandage night when the Atlanta Braves roll into the Gateway City this season.
What a great way to welcome back oft-injured J.D. Drew back to Busch Stadium than with a stadium full of people wrapped up in ace wraps.
Philadelphia should consider free blood pressure test night for those coming to Phillies games this year.
With the hot-tempered Larry Bowa managing this team, it is just the perfect fit to give fans that little extra to come watch the game.
The Cincinnati Reds could hold a raise Austin Kearns' batting average night. The Reds right fielder is listed on ESPN.com's Website as having the lowest batting average (.140) of any regular player in baseball as of Friday afternoon.
Fans can be given fake posters of Kearns smashing a home run that they could hold up every time he steps to the plate, as they cheer wildly like he just won the World Series for the Reds.
The Boston Red Sox could hold dress like a Neanderthal night in honor of outfielder Johnny Damon, who has apparently sworn off barbers this season.
The center fielder looks like he stepped out of a display case from the Museum of Natural Science and History every time he takes the field.
So come on, front office type people have some fun at the ballpark this season. And please, no more of those duck things.