Try not to be that guy' in fantasy sports

By By Will Bardwell / staff writer
Dec. 11, 2003
I deserve to be fired.
Not from this newspaper, mind you. If I deserve that, I'm unaware. I'm talking about my job as general manager and owner of the Cheesehead World Order, my disappointing fantasy football team. This season is turning out just like last season build up an impressive record with a star-studded lineup, then flush it down the toilet like a dying goldfish. That probably sounds familiar to you Miami Dolphins fans, but I won't have it.
All I've got to do is talk myself into keeping myself around as coach for another season. Next year will be different. You hear about those guys who lock themselves away for six months to plan every moment of their lives around fantasy football? Those losers who hunch over a computer for hours wondering whether they should pick up Dough Flutie off waivers? Those geeks who intricately put together a draft strategy in the middle of April?
Next year, that's me. No more of this mediocrity stuff. If I have to spend 10 hours each day online and $50 a month for research and the like, I'll do it. I'm just sick of getting kicked around by goofy-named teams like the Pinball Wizards.
I'm just kidding, of course (at least that's what I'll tell my family after they read this). There's a fine line between owning your fantasy football team and obsessing over it, so you have to decide when you get in the game that you won't become one of "those guys." There is personal pride to uphold.
The problem is that "those guys" are usually the ones who end up winning, so it becomes harder and harder to resist getting down and dirty. One minute you're going on simple gut instincts, and the next thing you know, you've got 65 single-spaced pages detailing Kordell Stewart's lifetime statistics on artificial turf.
The most depressing moment of my fantasy football career came last season when I spent money on the pursuit for the first time. It was just a one-time payment of $8 to view live stats all season long, but it signaled the end of my days as a casual general manager. I mean, I actually spent money on fantasy football! Star Trek nerds everywhere rose up to laugh at me, and what could I do? To an extent, I had become one of "those guys."
Of course, there are tons of "those guys" who are a lot worse off than I am. Some people obsess over fantasy football so much that they develop disorders that are recognized by doctors. "Those guys" become "those addicts," and I will not let that happen to myself.
Still, the level of my dedication to the Cheesehead World Order is clearly not cutting the mustard. What could be wrong with buying a magazine that helps me with my preseason draft? Nothing that I can see. What about if I buy, say, 10 magazines? If there's nothing wrong with buying just one, then just use simple math…
10 x (nothing wrong) = (ten times as right)
Then it's settled. Next season, I'm buying every single fantasy football preview guide I can find, and possibly more than one copy of each.
What if I were to call Dave Wannstedt and suggest that he start handing the ball to Ricky Williams at least 35 times per game? Nothing wrong with a little input, right? He'd probably be glad to hear from me. He'd therefore be 50 times as happy if I left 25 messages at both his home and office every day, right? Remember our math lesson earlier.
Just kidding, of course. It makes you wonder how trite fantasy football must be for people in the NFL, though. I'm sure most NFL players could care less about fantasy football, but almost 20 percent of American men over the age of 18 play fantasy sports these days. It would be impossible to imagine that number doesn't extend to families of NFL players.
I heard a story once that when former Florida State quarterback Chris Weinke started for the Giants in the 2001 season opener against Minnesota, Weinke's dad started Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper over his own son. That's rough.
I'm not prepared to go against my own son (not that a man bearing my genetic blueprints would be suited for any sort of physical labor), but that's the kind of attitude I need to succeed. It's time for me to decide I'm willing to be the nerd we all fear we will be the first time we sign up for fantasy football. It's time to be "that guy."
Laugh all you want until the Cheesehead World Order torches the Pinball Wizards next season.