Ask Dr. Collard Green

By By Robert St. John / food columnist
Dec. 4, 2002
Robert St. John is on vacation this week. Filling in is world-renowned and celebrated food advice columnist Dr. J. Collard Green.
Dr. Green is a board-certified food, cooking and eating advice specialist who has spent 41 years cooking, eating and advising (mostly eating).
He earned his doctorate in spam e-mail psychoanalysis. He serves on many boards and associations, including the Potted Meat Advisory Board, the National Council on Flatulence, the International Association of Bumper Sticker Psychotherapy and the Save the Spurkey Campaign.
His nationally syndicated advice column is printed weekly in the few newspapers that finally got tired of him begging to be in their newspapers.
Dear Dr. Collard Green: My doctor says that I need to lose weight. He says that I eat too much butter and cream. He also tells me to stay away from junk food and to eat more vegetables. Can you recommend a diet? Portly in Pontotoc
Dear Portly: You don't need to lose weight, you need to gain height. Ask your doctor if he can make you taller. He thinks he's so darn smart, let him figure that one out. As for vegetables, if the good Lord wanted us to eat more vegetables, he would have made broccoli taste like T-bone steak.
I happen to think that junk foods are the 21st Century's fountain of youth. They are loaded with preservatives. Preservatives help you to age well and look younger. And remember, fat people use more soap, therefore they are cleaner. So, stay clean and keep eating cream and butter.
Dear Dr. Collard Green: My wife makes me eat stewed carrots. She says they will improve my eyesight. I have 20-20 vision and I hate carrots. What should I do? Good Vision in Greenville
Dear Good Vision: Ask your wife this: If carrots make you see better, how come there are so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Dear Dr. Collard Green: My favorite cereal is Frosted Flakes. My mom wants me to eat a healthier cereal (she eats Wheat Chex and Rice Chex). I love my mom, but I don't like her cereal. What do I do? Hungry in Hattiesburg
Dear Hungry: The last time I checked, the Ralston Company was the manufacturer of Chex cereals. Ralston-Purina makes dog food, too. Cereal is sold in a box and served in a bowl. It just so happens, dog food is also sold in a box and served in a bowl.
Tell your mom that you can't get past the fear that the workers in the Ralston-Purina factory might have gotten one of the assembly lines mixed up and put dog food in your cereal box. Besides, who wants to eat snack mix for breakfast?
Dear Dr. Collard Green: What is the difference between catsup and ketchup? And why do they call ketchup "fancy" ketchup? And why is there a pickle on the Heinz ketchup label instead of a tomato? Confused in Columbus
Dear Confused: You have way too much time on your hands. Get a job.
Dear Dr. Collard Green: My dad just bought a new outdoor grill. I was thinking about buying him one of those nice outdoor grill utensil sets for Christmas. Which company makes the best outdoor barbecue utensils? Grilling in Gulfport
Dear Grilling: All outdoor grilling utensils are useless. Why do people need 3-foot-long tongs and spatulas to grill outdoors? I have never built a barbecue fire so large that I couldn't get within 2 feet of it.
Mrs. Green gave me an outdoor-barbecue utensil kit for Father's Day last year. The spatula was so long it took the combined efforts of two adults and my 5-year-old daughter to flip the hamburger patties. The tongs are now being used to turn logs in the fireplace.
Tell your dad to use the spatulas that are already in his kitchen. And give him what everyone else gives their dad for Christmas, an ugly tie or a new pair of socks.
Dear Dr. Collard Green: My husband says that I eat too much when I eat out in restaurants. So much so, that he has stopped taking me out to eat, forcing me to eat alone. What can I do? Baffled in Belzoni
Dear Baffled: You need to stop having intimate dinners for two, all by yourself. I have found that eating a few Snickers bars just before a restaurant meal tends to curb the appetite, causing one to eat less.
And remember Dr. Green's motto: If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and then hire a shrink.
If you have a food-related question and would like to ask Dr. Collard Green a question, he can be reached at drcollardgreen@aol.com or askdrporkchop@aol.com.
Black Bean Soup
21/2 gallons chicken stock
2 lbs. black beans, washed and drained
3/4 cup onion, medium dice
3/4 cup carrots, medium dice
3/4 cup celery, medium dice
1/2 cup ham, medium dice
3 tablespoons dry mustard
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoons garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2/3 cup red wine
3 tablespoons olive oil
Bring chicken stock to a boil. Add black beans and return to a boil. Lower heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 30 minutes. Saut vegetables in clarified butter or margarine. Add ham and spices. Deglaze with red wine and add all to the simmering beans.
Add remaining ingredients and simmer 2n3 hours. Remove 3 cups of the soup and puree in a blender, add back to soup. Serve topped with cooked rice and chopped onion. Yield: 5 quarts.